


101 Ways to Make a Salad

by Hydrophius, Stellophia



Series: Are These Crackfics? Yes. Am I Sane? No, but Also Yes. [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Norse Religion & Lore, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And she gon' make sure all the salad is consumed, Angst, Awesome Frigga (Marvel), BAMF Hela, Certified Badasses Ahead, Crack, Crack and Salad, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Frigga is everyone's mother, Frigga knows all the memes, Frigga's on the Warpath, Friggaspawn are chaotic, Friggaspawn at their finest, Gen, Good Hela, Odin Who?, Only at the beginning tho I promise, PTSD, Protective Frigga (Marvel), References to the future, Sass, Thanos who?, Tyr Hela and Fenris are chaotic, Watch out y'all, You Have Been Warned, kid!Thor, kid!loki, salad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:40:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23683300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hydrophius/pseuds/Hydrophius, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stellophia/pseuds/Stellophia
Summary: Shortly after Loki joins their family, Frigga gets an excruciatingly detailed and painful vision of the future.After which she teaches her kids how to make salad, with an added serving of life lessons and a dash of violence.It's basically Viking Gods at their finest.  Also, who the Hel is Odin?
Relationships: Frigga & Eir, Frigga | Freyja & Loki (Marvel), Frigga | Freyja & Thor (Marvel), Hela & Fenris (Marvel), Hela & Frigga (Marvel), Hela & Loki & Thor (Marvel), Hela & Loki (Marvel), Hela & Thor (Marvel), Hela & Tyr (Marvel), Loki & Odin (Marvel), Loki & Thor (Marvel)
Series: Are These Crackfics? Yes. Am I Sane? No, but Also Yes. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1403365
Comments: 30
Kudos: 104





	1. Prologue: The Wolf Shall Feed per the Falcon's Request

_Falling._

_Weightless._

_Breathless._

_Stars raced past her._

_She tumbled through space, unable to do anything._

_Except hope that she wouldn't survive._

Wait. That wasn't right. Why would she want to die? 

_Words echoed in her head. Male voices, one young, the other old._

_"I could have done it, Father! For you! For all of us!"_

_"No, Loki."_

_A raging wave of emotions hit her._

_Anger, grief, regret, pain, but most significantly, acceptance._

_Acceptance that there was no point in any of it anymore._

_Letting go came easily._

Loki _._

Oh, Norns. 

_The pitch-black darkness of the abyss enveloped her._

_It was cold._

_“Coward,” a caustic voice whispered._

_The loneliness was maddening, unrelenting, unbearable._

_Still falling._

_She descended into an utter lack of sensation._

_Simply nothingness._

_“Filthy nithing.”_

_The cold gradually dissipated into utter numbness._

_“W-What?” A familiar voice; a voice terrified and broken, boomed._

_“Because I-I’m the monster parents tell their children about at night?”_

_Falling._

_“Monster."_

_Had it been centuries or mere seconds?_

_She couldn’t know._

_An eternity of falling._

_She begged the Norns to just deliver a quick, merciful death._

_An unending, infinite void of nothingness._

_For the sweet release of death was much better._

_Much better than a slow, excruciating,_ endless _descent into madness._

Loki, what happened to you?

_The falling stopped._

_There was air._

_She was alive. Barely, but alive._

_And she could only feel disappointed by that fact._

_"Father will be pleased with what we have found."_

_The voice left her with a slimy feeling._

_Then there was pain._

_Unbearable heat._

_Neither water nor food for days on end._

_Incessant hunger and thirst were her new companions._

_Exhaustion. Utter and complete exhaustion._

_“You were cast away — defeated!”_

_The feeling of a blade cutting into her back._

_Cold metal slicing through colder skin._

_Then screaming._

_Excruciating pain._

_Her ribs splintered away from her spine._

_The skin from her back peeled and tied to her wrists._

_Blood Eagles._

_The same pain all over again, though this time it was hotter, rawer._

_Her lungs burned._

Loki, what had happened? 

_More words echoed in her head. Someone was pressing a sceptre into her hands._

_"Oh mighty Thanos, I, Loki, pledge to you my undying fidelity."_

_Flashing images._

_Midgardian buildings; a portal._

_Thor, her, the Dark Elves._

_Asgard burning._

Asgard burning…

 _A green and black portal in a grassy field,_ _gold on the wind as it rushed away from the cliff._

_“Kneel, before your Queen.”_

_A cold and unforgiving voice._

_A female figure, a black blade in her hand._

_Hela._

_Fear._

_Falling._

_A planet of waste._

_“Communication was never our family’s forte.”_

_“Our paths diverged a long time ago, Brother.”_

_“Your saviour is here!”_

_Asgard, gone._

_Ragnarok, complete._

_“I’m here.”_

_Thunder rumbled, a huge ship appeared._

_“The sun_ will _shine on us again, Brother.”_

_“ I, Loki, Prince of Asgard… Odinson, the rightful King of Jotunheim, and the God of Mischief, hereby swear to you, my… undying fidelity.”_

_No air._

_NO AIR._

_The pain, the blood._ _She cried blood._

_A cruel purple face sneered mercilessly._

_“You will... never be... a god.”_

_A final crack._

_Her body thrown carelessly on the ground._

_Dead._

_Thunder rumbled as the scene changed._

_Tears blurred her vision._

_But she could make out Odin's face above her as she gripped desperately onto Gungnir._

_"No, Loki."_

Odin _._

* * *

Frigg woke up abruptly, tears streaking her face, a bitter cry caught in her throat. 

Rubbing her eyes, she turned her head to look blearily at her husband sleeping peacefully beside her. _Something_ that _he_ did would have those events come to pass.

Considering what he’d done to Hela, her firstborn, while she’d stood and watched in horror and resignation — imprisoned her within the cold, unforgiving depths of Helheim for eternity — she wasn't surprised. 

She couldn’t bear to have her family ripped so mercilessly apart. The overwhelming grief would drown her. 

If there was a way of preventing this, she would do it by any means necessary.

She needed to act quickly, and by the Norns, she needed a Hel of a lot of bottled-up anger and hate for her husband to give her the strength she needed to do what she was about to.

Fortunately for everyone but Odin, she had those things.

Frigg silently slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Odin or the sleeping Jotunn babe in the cot across the room near the armour stands that held her clothes for the morn.

One held the feathered cloak that would allow her to shift into the form of a falcon and fly. What she planned to do would involve a short quest to Helheim. 

_Odin_ , she decided, _was going to pay._

* * *

“Hela?” Odin asked, pleading to the Death Goddess for mercy.

Hela sniffed and made a gesture with her hand. 

Frigg blinked the tears from her eyes, and when her vision was clear again, her husband was gone.

Swallowed up by Fenris. 

“Mother, you are injured,” Hela stated, with a look of concern on her sharp features, walking over to where she sat on a retaining wall that had once served as a barrier between the now-obliterated pathway and the vegetable garden built on tiers. 

Frigg could vaguely feel the hot blood running down her right arm and chest from where Gungnir had caught her off-guard in the fight against Odin.

No matter how much knowledge and power he claimed to have, it wasn’t how much power you had that would win the battle for you — though it was certainly an advantage — it was how you used it in combination with the strategies you used to defeat your opponent. Unfortunately for the All-Father, Frigg was no ordinary opponent. She was just as cunning as he, if not more, and just as powerful.

But obviously not powerful enough, which was why her firstborn now stood beside her.

“You need not worry for me, my dear. ‘Tis but a scratch,” she reassured the younger woman.

“That is anything but a scratch, Mother,” the Death Goddess replied, slinging Frigg’s left arm around her shoulders and supporting her as they slowly walked back to the destroyed door they had come out of.

She could feel her daughter trembling slightly. 

Frigg gritted her teeth as she moved her right arm slightly to avoid dragging it through the bush they were walking past, burning pain spreading across her shoulder as patches of dried blood tugged at the opening of the wound. 

Her vision blanked out for a bit, as her exhaustion caught up with her and the pain in her ankle shot up her leg. Something was definitely broken, or at the very least sprained. There was the chance of dislocation too, but if that were the case, her foot may not have been able to take as much weight as it was now.

“It’s better than yours. You were stabbed for Norns’ sakes!” she cried, wincing as she noticed all the trampled plants she had spent ages nurturing in her spare time.

“Here’s the difference between us: I can take a great deal more than you; which, I might add, includes being stabbed and having vital organs injured in the process,” Hela tutted, grunting as Frigg stumbled and pulled her slightly off balance.

“Mother, stay awake, please.” Hela’s harsh voice cut through her head, waking her up more.

That girl had always been harsh. Had been so from the moment she became her Father’s executioner at the grand old age of nine hundred; and becoming General of the Army at eleven hundred had only made her pointier, the last remaining softness beaten out of her.

"I am fully awake, daughter." She said, trying to lean a little less on her. 

"We must get you to Eir," Hela replied, annoyance lacing her tone. She was probably annoyed at her insistence that she was well when to her it looked the opposite. A warm smile tugged at the corner of Frigg's lips.

Hela was harsh, yes, and merciless on the battlefield; that much was true. But even a millennium in the unrelenting cold of Helheim had failed to completely annihilate her love for her mother. 

"It is shallow, and nothing that I cannot simply heal myself." 

They climbed the stairs in silence, Frigg gritting her teeth and sharply inhaling through her nose to keep from outright gasping in pain as she put more weight on her ankle. 

"If you had the seidr to do it yourself, Mother," Hela said when they had finally reached the lit hallway that would lead them to their family chambers. 

"My stores regenerate quicker than you think, my dear," she said, blinking the spots out of her eyes. 

Well, perhaps not as quickly as she would like. 

Hela hummed, steering her into the common area of the chambers and pushing her down onto the lounger by the barely lit fireplace. 

Regarding what they had just done, Frigg regretted nothing.


	2. A Spoon, But Angrier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frigg introduces kid Loki to a knife. Chaos ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, would you look at that. We have finally somehow managed to update this.

“Mother?”

Loki’s small, meek voice tore her from her thoughts as she chopped the cucumbers.

“Yes, little one?” she asked sweetly, putting the knife down to pick the small boy up and shower him with kisses.

"Mother stop! I am big now!” Loki squealed in her embrace.

She held him away from the bench at arm’s length and smiled, “Perhaps, but you shall forever be my little blue baby icicle,” she said fondly, putting him down and turning back to the chopping board.

She picked up the knife again and began to chop the cucumber up into thin discs. Loki tugged on her skirt insistently and she looked down to see the boy’s bright green eyes as wide as saucers.

“Mother, what is that?” he asked breathlessly, pointing a small finger up at the knife.

“A knife,” she said, putting it down on the chopping board again to pick Loki up and hold him at her hip.

He was indeed getting bigger. 

“What is a knife?”

“A knife is like a spoon, but angrier,” she replied, booping his nose.

Loki giggled breathlessly, eyes never leaving the knife whose blade gleamed silver on the chopping board.

Frigga wiggled her finger, zapping the knife gently with some seidr, the turquoise tendrils of her magic wrapping around the utensil and lifting it up into the air as the spell brought the vegetables to the knife to chop.

“Mother, I shall chop!” Loki declared, patting her cheeks.

“No, Loki. You shall not chop today,” she replied gently.

“But Mother, I’m good at chopping!”

“But do you know how to chop properly?” she asked, hushing him so as not to disturb Thor from his studies in the next room, although he was probably doing anything but studying. 

The last thing she needed right now was her hair to stand on end because of one of Thor’s moods and the charge of electricity in the air that came with them. Hela usually disappeared when it happened or manifested her war helm (which Loki had dubbed "Bilgesnipe Antlers") when that happened to keep her hair safe. 

Loki pondered this for a second, resting his head in the crook of her neck.

“No Mother, I do not,” he replied, pouting.

“Would you like to learn?” she asked.

He nodded. “Please?”

"All right," she said, putting him down gently. 

“Mama!” Frigg turned to see Thor — _not_ studying — run inside, glowing with excitement, Hela trailing him closely, her face pinched with annoyance.

“I’m hungry!” he announced, his stomach rumbling at the same time as if to prove his words, “I want to eat something!”

“Loki and I were just preparing salad, my sweetling,” she smiled and gently batted his meaty hand away from the unchopped cucumber. 

“Mother, you were going to teach me how to chop!” Loki said, voice raised in pitch as he tugged on her skirts and looked up with large green eyes.

“‘M hungry!” Thor protested. The boy really lacked patience.

Frigg sighed and made eye contact with Hela, who narrowed her eyes in return. Frigg arched a brow at that, which Hela mirrored.

“Don’t you think they’re a bit young to be handed knives?” She asked as she sat at the counter.

“You started at the same age, and you turned out just fine,” she said, then watched as Hela telekinetically dragged Thor to the seat next to her with a flick of her wrist and a burst of seidr.

“Touche.” the other Asynjur shrugged.

“So,” Loki said after a brief pause. “Can I chop?” 

Hela’s brows rose slightly again as she eyed the small boy tugging on Frigg’s skirts, a hint of amusement now dawning on her expression.

“Chop?” Thor’s gaze shifted towards the table and he took note of the various knives scattered on the table. “Ooh, shiny.”

Hela’s hand shot out to grab Thor’s chubby wrist in her strong grip just as he reached for the sharp edge of the blade nearest to him. Thor scowled.

“All right, darling,” Frigg sighed, letting her attention return to Loki. “Have a go at it.” She moved over to give him full access to the chopping board.

The look of pure happiness on Loki’s face was priceless.

“I shall chop!” Loki announced excitedly.

Frigg stopped him when she realised he wasn’t going to reach the bench. He was still quite small. 

Hela’s eyes shone with something akin to amusement as she watched them.

Frigg picked up the chopping board and shifted it to where the seats were on the other side of the bench. Hela shifted to allow them more space, when —

Loki picked up the blade nearest to him all but ran around _with_ the damned thing. 

Frigg thought her heart was going to fail her. 

“Loki!” she shrieked, only just managing to stop her voice from sounding like some startled bird.

Hela snorted.

Loki skidded around the corner and toward where she stood, knife ready to chop, coming to a stop in before her and looked up. “Mama?”

“We _never_ run with knives in the kitchen,” she said as she grabbed his wrist firmly and pulled him up to one of the chairs.

“It is a perfectly common occurrence on the battlefield, though,” Hela interjected, “You can do it freely over there.”

Thor was oddly quiet, his bottom lip dropped as he sulked. 

“Indeed, Hela. Now, Loki, take a cucumber and hold it still. Keep your fingers out of the way when you slice through,” she instructed.

“Okay,” he said as he proceeded to stab the cucumber. “Like this?”

Hela snorted again. It was quiet, but it was loud enough for her to pick up. 

“Hela, I do hope you are not turning into a pig,” she said cheekily as she side-eyed her eldest.

“Evidently not.” she rolled her eyes at the jest.

“The number of times I have heard you snort suggests otherwise,” she quipped, tone light. 

It was fine here, but she had noticed her doing it during Things more often too. They would have to break that habit again; those Einherjar and their less than ideal court etiquette rubbed off on the girl more than she liked.

Frigg placed a hand on Loki’s forearm to get him to cease his stabbing, “That’s not how one chops cucumbers, my dear,” she said fondly.

“But — “ he pouted, shaking his hand free and stabbing the cucumber again, perhaps to demonstrate that he was doing it right.

Hela shifted in her chair, Thor’s wrist long since released, but the boy seemed more intent on watching his Brother instead of picking up a blade now.

“Well, you see, Brother, what you just did doesn’t work against cucumbers,” Hela chipped in, her amused smile growing wider, “but certainly works _wonders_ against people.” 

“Hela,” she reprimanded half-heartedly. She knew exactly what that mischievous glint in her daughter’s eyes meant.

“Come on, Mother! Your Little Icicle is a natural!” Hela gestured towards Loki, who was now happily stabbing every vegetable within reach. “Look at him!”

“But,” Thor, that ball of sunshine sandwiched between his two emo siblings, shook his head in disapproval, “you don’t eat people. Why would you chop them?” 

Frigg felt the saliva she just swallowed take a wrong turn as she tried and failed not to laugh. Hela got up and thumped her on the back as she coughed.

A glass of water was pushed into her hand, which she drained in a matter of seconds and looked down in time to see Thor’s look of awe at how fast she emptied the glass.

“This is why I don’t like this one. He’s too shiny and innocent!” Hela complained, rolling her eyes, to which Thor yelled “Rude!” and Loki giggled. 

“You see, brother,” Hela smirked. “You _stab_ people — well, perhaps one could also chop them to pieces if one wished — to _kill_ them.”

“You can juice them too,” Frigg croaked as she levitated a few unharmed vegetables away from Loki, intent on having something salvageable for the salad.

Thor’s brows furrowed in confusion, while Loki put his knife down and listened intently.

“But,” Thor wrinkled his nose at the idea. “You can’t play with dead people.” Frigg resisted the urge to laugh at his innocence.

She briefly wondered how tainted said innocence would have been by now had her late husband still been alive, but quickly dismissed the thought. It mattered not. 

“Oh, I assure you one certainly ” Hela began, but Frigg’s piercing glare shut her up before she could launch into a ramble about necromancy; that girl was too fascinated with the subject for her own good, Death Goddess or not. Frigg blamed Odin. 

Meanwhile, she noticed a hint of fascination and curiosity gleaming in Loki’s eyes. “I wish to learn this stabbing.”

Hela’s eyes lit up with a slight green glow at his request.

“Oh please, Mother dearest. Let me pass on my knowledge to someone worthy of it,” she drawled.

She already knew the answer. That little shit. The girl over-analyzed everything. A habit she had picked up from her father and hadn’t shaken.

“All right,” she sighed, “you can teach Loki.” 

Oh well, they would start their royal training in a few decades anyway. She was not exactly against the idea of Hela teaching Loki how to fight with knives already.

After all, what could go wrong?

Hela grinned maniacally.

Correction.

What _couldn’t_ go wrong?

* * *

Where _was_ the ball?

Thor frowned, eyes searching everywhere for the object.

Hogun had not been able to catch it and it had disappeared. Fandral and Sif had said that Thor threw too hard. Thor didn’t like that. It wasn’t his fault that he was a strong boy! It was their fault they couldn’t catch!

The Royal Gardens were so huge, finding a lost ball became a big problem.

Ball...

There it was! Near the big oak tree, next to the rose bushes!

He ran towards it, happy to have finally found it. Now they could continue their game! If only Loki was there too, but Big Sister Lalah had said that she had to teach him something, so he could not come to play.

It was probably the stabbing thing. Thor was angry because Lalah had refused to teach him. She had said that he was too ‘innocent’ and that Mother would kill her if she ruined that. But he was a big boy, he was not ‘innocent’, whatever that meant! Thor did not like that at all.

He heard a faint hiss in the bushes. There was something in the bushes!

Curious, he went closer to inivisiti — instiga — investigate! Yes, Thor was sure that was the right word. He was a smart boy. Smarter than Loki even, but he didn’t say that to his Brother, or Loki would feel sad. He didn’t like when Loki was sad.

He saw a snake. The snake was tiny and green and cute, just like Loki.

Thor loved snakes, so he went to pick up the snake to admire it. He picked it up and gently placed it on his palm, and he booped its small, green snoot.

The snake suddenly transformed into Loki. “Lo — ?” 

“Mblerghh it’s me!!” Loki yelled. 

And then he stabbed him.

  
  


Frigg wasn’t sure if she was supposed to be concerned or proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Asynjur: a female Aesir
> 
> Thing: A meeting
> 
> Give us constructive criticism. Pretty please with a cucumber on top. Roast us.


End file.
